


If I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake?

by filmsricochet



Category: The Society (TV 2019)
Genre: Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Inspired by Taylor Swift, Love/Hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:46:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27947765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/filmsricochet/pseuds/filmsricochet
Summary: And you can aim for my heart, go for blood//But you would still miss me in your bones//And I still talk to you (when I'm screaming at the sky)//And when you can't sleep at night (you hear my stolen lullabies)AU Where Harry visits Cassandra's grave at night...yeah it's sad
Relationships: Harry Bingham & Cassandra Pressman, Harry Bingham/Cassandra Pressman
Comments: 11
Kudos: 19





	1. The first two nights

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! If you're reading this...THANK YOU!  
> This is the first time I post anything (also English isn't my first language) so please be nice if there are any mistakes. Also, I would appreciate the kudos if you liked it so I know and can post another hassandra ff/au I'm working on (hopefully better and longer).
> 
> Every night/chapter is inspired by a song that reminded me of them, I'll post my Spotify playlist on my Twitter (@filmsricochet) in case anyone wants it ¿?  
> Once again thank you and enjoy!

Harry always had problems falling asleep, so it wasn’t a strange thing for him to be completely awake at 3 am. But that night, lying on his bed, his chest weighted more than usual and his legs and arms tickled. He suddenly couldn’t just lay on his bed, so he changed into clothes and while trying to not wake up anybody he left his house and started walking.

He wasn’t used to walking in the middle of the night through the town, at least not in this version of his town, mostly because he had no one to do it with. Back at home he could walk with his friends after a party or walk Kelly to her house, but that night he was alone and his loneliness wasn’t what made him feel the way he was feeling while walking in the silence, it was the town’s loneliness; all dark and silent like a ghost town. In that ghost town, he felt more sad and afraid than he ever did back at home where there were actual people who could’ve hurt him. The silence brought sadness to him and the emptiness made him afraid, even when he wasn’t in danger.

After a couple of minutes, he stopped walking, looked around, and saw where he found himself; in the middle of the street in front of the town’s church though that wasn’t the place that made his stomach sick. Next to the church was a tree and under it was her grave. Cassandra’s grave, he looked at it from afar, and after what felt like a long minute he started walking towards it.

He repeated to himself he shouldn’t be there, that it wasn’t right, but it didn’t feel wrong either and no one was there to tell him to go away so he sat on the ground next to the tombstone. Cross sitting he played with the grass, he cut it to pieces, he twisted it and he tore it apart for minutes until he spoke.   
“The other day Allie mentioned you and Grizz started to cry, everyone went silent... just looking at him for a second but then we knew it was because of you”   
He remembered that day, two weeks after Cassandra’s death everyone went to church to a committee reunion and Allie was talking and she mentioned her "Cassandra had made a list of things…" And Grizz made an awful sound and started tearing up, Sam was next to him and after the surprise, he hugged him.   
Harry never got to know what the stupid list was about “I guess your friends thought they would have more time to prepare for your death, they probably thought your heart would’ve just stopped or something”. Her heart did stop though, just not for the right reasons. 

“I suppose that after that they made this rock” He tapped the rock that had Cassandra’s name engraved and then laid his back on the floor, his chest didn’t weight as much as it did before and his hands had stopped tickling, he could breathe just fine lying there next to Cassandra’s grave in the middle of the night looking at the sky. The sky was dark blue, there weren’t clouds, he started to count the little lights on it “there aren’t a lot of stars tonight Cass.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He put a blanket on the floor and laid on his back. “Today was a good day, like actually good,” he said out loud. In the circumstances good meant normal, he didn’t feel anxious and was able to enjoy himself and the people around him.  
“Sometimes I don’t miss home at all, I don’t mind the peace that we have here…but probably in a couple of weeks, I’ll change my mind.” He didn’t miss school or the people from the town that were missing, he only missed her.  
“I don't know, maybe it's fucked up and I’m starting to lose my mind.” It couldn’t be normal not to miss his old life, not wanting anything and feeling so comfortable with his loneliness.   
He laughed at himself “I mean here I am; in the middle of the night talking to you when you're …...” he didn’t know where she was. “If you are somewhere at all..…death is so strange”.

When his father died Harry cried but moved on, that’s how it works; you cry, you mourn, and then move on because everyone else does, the world doesn’t stop because someone you loved died. But when they got there their world had stopped and when she died, moving on wasn’t as easy as before, there weren’t a lot of things to do and the memory of her wasn’t something you could escape from, her presence was marked all over town and everyone left remembered her.   
“I would like to think reincarnation is real and by now you’re in another place, but I'm not sure how that would work since we aren’t home." He liked the idea of Cassandra being alive in another dimension or parallel universe, maybe in another place, maybe in France with a healthy heart and a summer love.

”I believe that if you couldn’t reincarnate as a human, you would be like a lilac tree or a purple wildflower." He chuckled thinking about it, imagining himself on a prier full of purple wildflowers with the sunlight touching his face and clean air filling his lungs. 

He imagined a summer day like that with her by his side. He realized the only way they could be at the same place and time was there, him next to her grave at night, he could never be in France with her or on that prairie, no matter how much he desired it. He settled with that; it was the only thing he had, and he would seize every minute of it “Let’s start counting.” He didn’t know the names of any of the constellations, but every night he laid there counting the stars wishing that, somewhere, she would be doing the same.  
Almost an hour after talking to her and counting all the stars he could count; he grabbed his blanket, said goodbye, and walked to his house. When he arrived he tried not to wake anyone up and went to his room and finally, after resting his head on the bed’s pillow, could sleep.


	2. He almost does

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! If you're reading this...THANK YOU!  
> This is the first time I post anything (also English isn't my first language) so please be nice if there are any mistakes. Also, I would appreciate the kudos if you liked it so I know and can post another hassandra ff/au I'm working on (hopefully better and longer).
> 
> Every night/chapter is inspired by a song that reminded me of them, I'll post my Spotify playlist on my Twitter (@filmsricochet) in case anyone wants it ¿?  
> Once again thank you and enjoy!

It was a Tuesday at 3 am and he couldn’t sleep even after spending most of the day working in the kitchen making food for everyone. He still found himself walking to Cassandra’s grave at night. Every night after talking to her he slept like a baby so he didn’t try to stop going every night.

He arrived at the tree and started talking “Jason is being a pain in the ass about my birthday” He sat down on the grass, next to her grave and continued “he wants to do a big party at my house and get drunk as hell just for the fun of it” a big sigh came out of his mouth. “It’s so stupid, he can make a party any day and wherever he wants to it’s not like we have to work or go to school and I don’t like the idea of cleaning everyone’s after-party mess when I don’t even want to do it in the first place”. 

It didn’t bother him having a party or cleaning, he was terrified of losing one of his nights with her, he hadn’t missed a single one since he started going, and even if Cassandra’s grave would still be there if he wasn’t, it felt like he would run out of the time he had with her. He couldn’t risk losing the relief and calmness that being there gave to him so he would lose parties and whatever he had to just to spend more time there, with her.

“Is time even moving here?” Doing the same thing almost every day and seeing always the same people made it feel like he was living on Groundhog Day. “Having days and nights doesn’t mean anything now”. It felt like it had been a long time since they were stuck there but had a year passed since his last birthday? “We barely know if we...exist in the world anymore, these birthdays shouldn't count”.

He remembered that year she got sick, “You always invited everyone to your birthday parties, even when you didn’t have parties” he had heard someone ask her about her birthday plans and her answer was "This year I’m just having a movie night with my sister, but you can come if you want to" he smiled, she had said that to everyone who had asked, “you were always so kind”. To everybody and him too when he was a mean little kid and then when he became older, arrogant and deserved it even less.

As usual, he started pulling out the grass at his feet, “I wish we were at home for my birthday, that should be my wish”. If his birthday wish could come true he would wish to bring her back. He laid on his back “I wish you were here” looking at the sky full of stars he wished nothing else but her to be by his side “We could count all the stars in the sky”.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another night, next to her grave, Harry talked about the town “Allie is doing so well; she has the character for all of this you know? She can be bitchy whenever she needs to…you would be so proud if you saw her”

but she can’t  
she is dead  
buried feet deep down from where he is. 

He went silent; sadness caught it’s way to his whole body. “I’m sorry” and he meant it “I guess I should say that I am sorry that you’re dead and I’m sorry that it’s because of me” his voice broke off, he started to tear up “But that would be an understatement” all his emotions were mixed up; he was sad and angry at the same time, he dried the tears on his cheek. “I can’t change what happened I can’t change what I said and I can’t bring you back”, he was so angry at himself for what he did he didn’t bother to dry the new tears “but I can say how sorry I am for the things that I didn’t do” and there were a lot of things Harry wished he had done.  
“I’m sorry for all the times I didn’t apologize even when I wanted to” He had crossed the line more than once when they fought and never apologized because the look on her face was always enough to make him feel terrible and haunted him for hours after the words were said. But he had always been able to forget his mistakes because another day they could keep fighting about something new but now, without her, every fight had ended and he couldn’t forget about them, he was alone thinking of all the things he wished he had said and she haunted him.

“I’m sorry for not helping you, I was an asshole when we got here and you were trying to fix us all” He was always like that but he regretted it now knowing how everything went down. “I’m sorry for never telling you how much I admired you and how strong you were” If he had known what he knew now he would have said it. If he could turn back in time he would tell her how amazing he thought she was.

“I don’t wanna miss you like this” That was the first time he admitted how much it hurt, all his feelings were coming to the surface along with tears coming down his face; sadness because she wasn’t there, guilt because he felt it was his fault and anger because <> he thought and finally said to her even if she wasn’t there: “I’m sorry for realizing I loved you when it was already too late and you’re worlds away”.

He stood up and cleaned the tears that had gotten to his neck “I’m sorry for not being able to deal with all of this when you’re not here to call me out about it” She would be so angry at him for being the mess that he was without her “I’m sorry for almost do and say all these things when you were here” He stared at her grave, just grass and rock with her name on it, in the middle of the silent night it didn’t look like something more than that, a rock on the grass, it didn’t look like what it meant and how much it meant for him. He turned around and started to walk his way home just like every other night.


	3. Sweet Creature

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! If you're reading this...THANK YOU!  
> This is the first time I post anything (also English isn't my first language) so please be nice if there are any mistakes. Also, I would appreciate the kudos if you liked it so I know and can post another hassandra ff/au I'm working on (hopefully better and longer).
> 
> Every night/chapter is inspired by a song that reminded me of them, I'll post my Spotify playlist on my Twitter (@filmsricochet) in case anyone wants it ¿?  
> Once again thank you and enjoy!

Since spending his nights at Cassandra’s grave became more and more addicting as time passed Harry decided to bring the real world to him, to prove that he wasn’t losing his mind, that’s why he was standing outside of the Pressman’s house at five o’clock in the afternoon. His five foot nine felt like three while looking at the house from where he stood, Cassandra’s house wasn’t as fancy as his but was more intimidating than any other house he had seen.

After the guard let him get inside he nervously waited for Allie to appear, he didn’t know exactly how to approach his request since he had been missing from everyone’s sight for a long time. As Allie came down the stairs she started talking “Haven’t seen you in a while...if you weren’t who you are I’d say we miss you” He smiled at the last, her meanness was surely deserved “I know, I’ve been keeping to myself” He stayed silent when he remembered Cassandra saying those words and as Allie sat on one of the living room’s couch he followed her.

“You look like shit” she finally said to him when he faced her “I know” he confirmed and tried to find the right words “I have a favor to ask you” she stayed silent and he continued “I...I want to see her room” he couldn’t look at her and faced the ground as saying it “Cassandra’s room?” Allie didn’t need him to respond, the surprise made her ask that even though it was clear what Harry meant “I blame you for what happened to my sister” the words came out of her mouth with anger and disgust.  
“I know, I do it too,” he said facing her again and silence stroke the room “Then what makes you think that I would let you into her room?” He just said the truth “I don't know I just thought that you would understand” Allie didn’t bother to cover her anger when she asked “Understand what?” while her eyes got watery she looked down, he said “I just fucking miss her” and a laugh came out of him, he was tired of playing pretend “you’re not the only one who lost Cassandra”.  
After hearing her name come out of his mouth she looked up at him again. The name of her sister had come out of him a thousand times before; he had said it angrily, tiredly, and even yelled it. But never in this sad and empty way while carrying so much weight. She looked at him and saw what looked like; the worst version of the boy she once saw in school effusively fighting her sister and then realized that Harry without Cassandra wasn't himself, he needed to fight her as much as he needed her to be there. He probably missed her in his daily life almost as much as she did “I’ll give a couple of minutes and then I want you out of my house” She stood up, turned her back on him, and walked away.

Being in her room was strange, her scent and personal belongings were all over the place, it almost hurt him. He sat on her bed where she used to sleep every day and looked around the room, in front of him stood a mirror where he could see himself, or someone that looked like the saddest version of him; he hadn't shaved his face in a long time and even though he could now sleep the dark circles around his eyes were there.  
He certainly looked like shit and his messed up hair made it worse, wanting to escape from his reflection he noticed a poster on the wall; it was of the UK singer Harry Styles and had his name on it <> on big white letters. He stood up in front of it and laugh, Cassandra Pressman saw his name probably every time she woke up “how ironic” he saw hers before going to bed every night.  
On the table next to him there was a record player and a couple of vinyl next to it, the first one he saw was Harry’s album, he took it and read the tracklist. Once a song’s title captivated him he played it.

He left the Pressman’s house with a different feeling than he had entered it and the vinyl on his hand, he promised Allie that he’d return it after listening to it in his room. 

Once again he got to her grave at three am with the vinyl on his hands, he sat on the floor and said out loud “I always think about you and how we don't speak enough” he felt like crying when he said it “wherever I go, you bring me home” he paused and then continued “Those are lyrics from that song Sweet Creature, they stuck with me” They reminded him of her “All those times we talked without saying anything” they mostly argued, even about little things it became a habit and the song said it <> “I know it’s my fault for being an asshole but...I was a kid I didn’t know”.The thing is, Cassandra was a big part of his life whether he admitted it or not, Harry associated his everyday life with her, and when he lost everything else she was still there.

After talking about the things going on in New Ham Harry felt the need to say what had been on his mind for a long time “I know I’m using you to feel better about all that’s happening here... and to me but I feel like you are the only person who would listen to me and understand”  
She was the smartest person he knew, not only about school but in everything else too, hell she had managed to make of all the town’s teens a functioning society. If Cassandra were there, she would have nicely called him out on his bullshit and helped him without holding him accountable for everything he had done.  
“I know I have to change; be better, do better, but here I’m so lost” though his realization came from being in that strange place he couldn’t help to feel helpless “I guess I’m relying on you because of how safe I feel...you bring me home” A person could feel like home more than the place itself, he wished Cassandra was there, hearing him and to hear what she thought of all the things he said at night but waiting for her wasn’t a choice. 

Maybe if they came back home she would be there, and he wished that above all things but his state wouldn’t change them being there, him talking to her every night sinking deeply and deeply into his sadness wouldn't help anyone come back home.

Hoping you'll come around  
Just let me know I'll be on the floor, on the floor

He thought <> Cassandra had once said he would be useful on the committee, at the time he didn’t know if she meant it or not but, now it made sense. He was probably lost like everybody else, maybe even more, but people once followed Campbell into chaos and could follow him through a better path. He could try to be what Cassandra was, what she represented to the town, the leader figure that meant safety, security, and enforced order but for that, he needed to change and construct a better perception of him in people’s minds. If he had known that before he could have led New Ham with her but it was too late for that. Now only the memory of her could help him.

Maybe we'll work it out…I gotta get better.


End file.
